A few golden oldies courtesy of the late great Tommy Cooper:-

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my liveli-hood.'"

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouserlegs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine', which was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream.' He said 'Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one

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Jigsaw

"'I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent. 'He said 'To camp?' I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent. 'I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said[campily] 'Make your mind up.'

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And thedentist said to me ' Get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin

 Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.............

 But I think it's Colin."